We have come to March (when I originally wrote this blog, I know, I know its May when I’m posting it…), month 7 of the race! It is hard to believe and reflect clearly on all that has happened. The relationships on our squad, the people we met, loved and left in each country, the impact we have made, the internal changes we have undergone.
But let’s just be brutally honest right now, I’m tired of changing. I’m frustrated and exhausted. I am homesick. I miss my people back home. Their lives have continued and distance is inevitable with the time changes. You try to FaceTime and voice memo and text and send photos but it’s hard to keep up. And the hardest part is everyone is looking at me with expectation and longing to know what’s going on but I am looking back home longing for a mundane photo and updates on the life I used to live so intimately with everyone.
It’s hard. This is the part of the rollercoaster of this 11month journey where the thought of getting off sounds so sweet and tempting.
Settling into my what feels like millionth house for a temporary time period hit me this time. I had a few days of sabbath after a full squad debrief and the reason most people don’t stop and keep the sabbath Holy is because sometimes when you stop your mind and soul and body align and sometimes it’s hard to realize how you feel.
Through some tears and rawly, verbally processing with a friend I came to understand I was just tired of change. I was tired of growing. I was tired of stretching. I was tired of constantly shedding parts of me. I was tired of being in this community where I’m challenged and refined. I was ready for sameness, for routine, for normal, for rhythm I can keep up with. With a home that was my own.
I do not stand alone in these feels as I have heard and spoken to my team who have also been looking up and dreaming about homes and places to live and stabilize back home. We longingly are looking forward to seeing our loved ones and to not have to move or learn a new place (and language) again for a while.
But God didn’t leave me there. I started reading Philippians because it’s 4 short chapters and I needed something small and positive to have a quick win. And God gave me Philippians 1:9-11. I realized for me specifically, I was so tired and exhausted cause I was still not paying attention to what mattered as Paul writes in this passage. I was changing and growing cause that’s what everyone says to do and what I wanted out of the race. I was scared I’d look back at this year and be disappointed with what I turned out to be. So I pushed in, tried harder, I read more, I held more expectations for myself. But just like every other phase of my life so far I was doing it for man and not for God.
So I’m slowing down for a loving union with the God that created me. I have made a list (cause you know me!) and it’s a list of fun and delight and joy. Here’s to the next 4 months of this journey and taking it all in and doing so for God’s glory only!
Amy, thanks again for your honest thoughts (in black and white). Looking back, even before you wrote this blog, thanks for making a huge “change” in your race to come visit me due to a heart attack. I also have been looking inward and reaching out to God in a genuine way to help me cope with a lot of change with a new life and much much more healing to come. I’m at a point in my life learning how to relax (as a change) mainly because I have always told myself (and believe) never to stop. So I also need to slow down, grow wider and deeper in my relationship with God, start counting my blessings in light of fun, delight and joy. I love you VERY MUCH!!!!